I Have A Psychology Exam On Tuesday

I know everything very vaguely, and could probably get a C if I did not revise, but I kind of need an A grade to get into my chosen University, so no luck there.

Sorry I havent been around for a while. I’ve actually been busy for once, which is not ussually the case with me, but there you have it. I’ve sat two exams. One for Media Studies which I think went okay-ish, and Psychology which went a little better than okay. I wont say “good”, but I’ll say it wasn’t bad. Anyway, I have to resit another Psychology Unit 4 exam on Tuesday and I havent revised much for it. This is stupid of me, I know, but I have been so overwhelmed lately with my other exams that I compeletely disreguarded this one. Ag. I was going to pull an all-nighter and study for it but I think I have realised that I am incapable of doing that. I’ve tried so many times :( Anyway, I’ll go to bed now and spend tomorrow revising like those exams are my only form of survival. After that I have one more exam on Monday, which is English. I’m actually looking forward to it (No surprise there!) and I just pray that they give me a relationship transcript to analyse for the unseen section and then a nice little extract from scene 11 of Streetcar Named Desire to analyse. Pleaasseeee!!! God knows how much I want that. I want 90 marks so I get a comfortable A* in English. Anyhow, I must sleep now, before I’d have wasted valuable time. Oh yes, before I depart, I must let you know that I am turning 18 in 6 days. Yes, the 26th of June is my 18th birthday. Gheeee!!! Here is a pre-celebratory list of things I will do when my exams are over:

• Read every book I can get my hands on
• Re-write every chapter of my novel
• Excercise every day
• Diet
• Get my hair done
• Learn to drive

Hopefully, by September 26th, I will be 60 pounds lighter, with a well-written novel in my possession, good hair on my head, a drivers license, and a half-ready novel in my bag. I must also spend this holiday shopping for University things, but that wont happen till I get my results. Im praying for:

A* - English

A- Psychology

A- Media

But I’ll be just as pleased with a B grade in there. I can compromise. Anyway, it’s good to be back- partially. I wont be fully back until Friday, but here’s a little note, to let you know I didn’t die or something. :)

Still alive and kicking. And now about to get some shut eye. Good night Tumblr xx

I watched them set my lover, my boy, on fire. And I, ever the coward, watched him burn, with brilliant dialated irises that were filled to the rims with the tears I swore that I would never shed again. There they were, ball-sized fists of salty water slithering down my cheeks, leaving evidental rivers of my cowardice. I will not say that I cried. Crying implies a sort of surrender to the inevitable. To cry is to discover a kind of inept strength inside oneself, the strength it takes to let go of whatever it is that you have been holding onto for so long. No. I was not crying, for I could not let go. I was not strong enough. I was never that strong. He was the one that had changed me, the one who had turned me into some kind of unconvential version of myself. He had not made me stronger, but instead had been my strength. An external form of what I lacked internally. I was not crying, for I was watching my strength burn before my very eyes. I stared at his deteriorating form, in search of a fragment that remained untouched by the flames. This was my way of holding onto him, I was looking for anything that I could grasp onto with my clumsy fickle fingers, something I could desperately coax back into life, back into beauty, back into my arms. But the flames had engulfed everything, a hungry, avid blaze that had selfishly consumed all of him and left none for me to recognize. Even when they put the fire out, and carried his ashes away, I did not move. I could not. My feet were cemented to the ground due to the heavy weight of my skin, my muscles, even the marrow with my bones. The last tear fell and no more followed. There are moments in your life when the knowledge of an impending something becomes so certain that it’s overwhelming. That was how I felt. My whole body was carcass, heavy, not with life, but with knowledge, for I knew- I knew that I would never- could never love again. My heart was non-existent now. Just like my lover, just like my boy, it had also been ingurgitated by the monstrous hellfire.